Train Wreck
Yesterday morning, my son feigned illness. He did not want to go to school. He said as much, and added "I've learned all I'm gonna from there."
That magnificent grammar tells me that you've got some additional learning to do, son. And you are not feverish. You're going to school, buddy. Suck it up.
He howled and dragged his feet, like a condemned man on his way to the gallows. When I left him at the classroom door, I heaved a deep sigh. Peace! For a few hours! At last!
Then I noticed the screaming meanie at my feet. Yeah. No peace for me. But surely there would be learning for my son, right?
No. There was none.
Apparently, he spent the bulk of the day running in circles, refusing to join in any class activities, and at one point, he fell asleep under a table. He refused to eat lunch, and wouldn't stop giggling all afternoon. My mother-sense was tingling, and I picked him up early - his poor teacher was shell-shocked.
"He was just wild today."
"I'm sorry."
"He just wouldn't participate."
"I'm sorry."
"He's just...wild today."
"I'm sorry."
"I tried bribery. We had a birthday today, and I told him if he didn't behave, he couldn't have a cupcake. He told me he wasn't hungry anyway."
"I'm sorry."
I grasped my flailing son, and hauled him out to the van. He screamed a few demands at me, and then collapsed into a sobbing, tantruming heap. Within three minutes of driving, he was sound asleep.
I would love to blame this behavior on the recent swan-dive from the bunk bed, but in truth, this has been building since before Thanksgiving. He's making his will be known, and it apparently involves a lot of naps and also laller laller lallering.
This kid of mine requires steady, thoughtful, attentive parenting, and he's got a mother who is running around laller lallering herself. I'm going to have to settle down and breathe before I can get to the bottom of this wild behavior.
He's a funny kid. He will be attending a birthday party for one of the little girls in his class, and when I asked him what kind of gift he would like to give her, he lit up and beamed at me, smile curling around the words as he spoke. "I want to give her a set of bee-yoooo-tiful perfume bottles with lovely smells in them and little squirters."
I don't honestly know where the kid has even seen those. Why those? For a six-year-old? I am baffled. "Mooom. You don't know. It's a fancy thing. You don't know."
I don't know. He's right. I don't know about a lot of things, perfume and otherwise. I don't know why my son can cuddle up to me and profess his undying love one minute, and moments later demand that I vote him out of the family. He swings from bliss to pissed in a fraction of a second, set off by seemingly meaningless events. His virgo perfectionism is a double-edged sword.
When it comes to parenting this boy, I'm at a loss right now.
I'm going back to the drawing board with this kid. I'm going to re-read that spirited child book, and the siblings without rivalry book, and try to introduce more structure and even more vegetables. I want to listen to him and hear the things he's NOT saying. I know this is partly developmental, partly personality, partly environmental. I know this is something we can work through.
I'm going to help him get back on track. Even if it means I have to get my caboose on the rails again, too.
edited to add: These are the books I'm referring to above, and one additional resource for parents with babies/toddlers. While I don't think that there is any one-size-fits-all parenting advice, these books have given me positive, empowering tools to try in my parenting quest. I read them when my children were small, and I find myself returning to them again and again. I can't recommend them highly enough.
Comments
Yeah, chicks like us don't know 'bout fancy things. Thank goodness you got that 6yo to keep you from embarrassing yourself in the fancy department (3rd floor, women's FANCY things). Me? I gotta hope one of my girls gets the fancy gene. Otherwise, all hope is lost for the Wannabe Hippie family.
Posted by: Elaine | January 14, 2006 9:31 AM
Ha! Do you know I was reading this and I started thinking - I bet he is an August child, or early Spetember. Gotta be his sign. I know, because I had two of them - and then partnered into a family with another one - and MY DOGGONE PARTNER is one of them.
I'm surrounded by this weirdness. And as tough as it often is, I wouldn't have it any other way.
One thing I can tell you, from experience with virgo children - the boy virgo is easier than the girl virgo. So you will succeed. With the girls, it always felt (and still feels, sometimes), touch and go. :-)
Posted by: Denise | January 14, 2006 9:31 AM
It's kindergarten. It ruins them. My boy's head has been doing more than the usual number of full-circle rotations, as well. When you figure it out, please clue me in.
Posted by: Mir | January 14, 2006 9:34 AM
Our little guy goes devil-boy when he's either really tired or brewing some mysterious illness inside. Just as the crescendo of parental horror peaks, he crashes into deep sleep faster than you can reach for the kiddie lavender shampoo (the scent of which supposedly calms the little munchkins down but in reality accomplishes squat.)
I feel for you. We're so there, too.
Posted by: Carmi | January 14, 2006 2:23 PM
No useful advice, sorry. I'm afraid that my guy is going to be just like this next year. He is already balking at going to preschool some days. I will be interested in seeing how this plays out for you Jenny. You are my hero in so many ways, I'll just follow your lead here, as well. No pressure!
Posted by: buffi | January 14, 2006 3:04 PM
My friend Dedaimia had a son and a daughter. She recently told me that while her daughter was always able to identify her problem and express it in a fashion that allowed Dedaimia to address it...her son was less fortunate. He seemed to have some of the stereotypical male inability to verbalize from the beginning. He couldn't tell you what was wrong, just that something WAS wrong. As a result he screamed over which socks to wear and why he wouldn't go to school when he meant he was mad his sister didn't get punished for being mean to him.
Maybe he's redirecting rage because he doesn't know how to explain where the rage came from?
Posted by: Christina | January 14, 2006 8:27 PM
When my 10-yr.-old was in kindergarten, he had some days when he just didn't want to go. I started to get worried that something was wrong at school, or that he was having a hard time with it, so I talked to the teacher. She said that a lot of kindergarteners go through these things at least a few times a year, and they get over it, then sometimes it starts up again. I think it's developmental, and an age/stage thing. Tell me, what "spirited child book" are you referring to? Because I got me one of them too, and he's 4, and will be starting school in a year and a half. He is doing well in preschool, though! Seriously, I'd be interested to know the name of the book.
Posted by: baseballmom | January 15, 2006 12:10 AM
"bliss to pissed"
I LOVE it.
Posted by: noell | January 15, 2006 3:51 PM
I'm right in the trenches with you. Please, oh please, let us know the exact title of the "spirited child" book. Thanks.
Posted by: Windy City Wendy | January 15, 2006 4:54 PM
I've heard good things about the "Raising Your Spirited Child" book. Thanks for the links to the books
Posted by: Mary | January 15, 2006 6:11 PM
I can totally relate to this behavior. When my son would have these dramatic mood/behavior changes I would refer to it as his Jekyll and Hyde moment. I have read and re-read the Raising your spirited child and their is actually another book by the same author - Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. It is a good book.
My boys are very physical with their emotions. When they are mad I think they are going to combust into tiny pieces. When they are happy I wonder if all their energy will somehow throw the earth off of it's axis.
Posted by: mama_bean | January 16, 2006 9:32 AM
My kids are all younger, but they have a 'difficult' cousin, and I can so relate to this, or at least the feeling of just not knowing what in the world to do about some behavior. My daughter 3 1/2, will do things or say things that I don't like (ranging from the mildly distasteful to the completely outrageous) and I just don't know whether it's a symptom of a bigger problem to come, or just being 3. Sometimes nothing I do or say seems to work.
I have been meaning to read a couple of those books and you've reminded me to go seek them out, thanks!
Posted by: Andrea | January 17, 2006 9:27 AM