Dawn Of The Living Dead
I'm becoming a zombie, I fear. The real Jenny is lurking behind a ghostly pallor and shuffling stride, and uttering grunts instead of coherant phrases. I have no interest in eating people, though, so the neighborhood is safe for now. Should I be spotted gnawing on an elbow, feel free to whack me with a shovel. Should I be spotted on top of the swingset hula hooping, use your best judgement.
With the boy mostly better, my oldest at the midway point and my youngest just getting going, I'm feeling hopeful that we'll be through this by the end of the week. With no further developments of pneumonia or pink-eye, my inner optimist is handing me a half full glass (that my sarcastic inner self has filled with robitussin.) Cheers, eh?
I actually went out to lunch with my mom and sister yesterday to celebrate Mother's Day. My mom had called to let me off the hook, in light of all the sickness, but I was not going to miss my chance for some fresh air and decent food.
I had a margarita, and got a little fuzzy around the edges. On a visit to the restroom, I found myself waving my hands around, conducting to the Muzak, and then laughing hysterically when the toilet auto-flushed. The Muzak thing? I don't know. The toilet flushing thing - funny because my oldest screams every. single. time. she uses a self-flusher. I try to prepare her, but it seems to be a primal response. Woosh! "Aaaah!" Yes, another way I will scar the child for life, laughing at her fear of auto-flush.
After a fantastic meal, I waddled out to my car, and headed home. I had a mix CD in the stereo, and Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl came on. Ha! Hahahaha! I actually don't know why I love that song so much right now. Could be the whole "meet me out back and I'll take you out" vibe. I do love me some trash talking.
Could be the frequent use of the word "sh*t" which, as David Sedaris pointed out at his lecture, is like the tofu of the curse words... things can smell like sh*t, look like sh*t, be sh*tty. You can be a sh*t, take a sh*t. It's a great multipurpose word, and something about chanting "this my sh*t" makes me crack up.
Actually though, I think the best part is the whole spelling out of the word bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Best use of the spell-chanting of the word "bananas" in conjuction with the use of "sh*t" ever.
I really should have my own awards show.
Comments
I love that song too. Just bought the whole CD. It reminds me of high school chearleading when we went around the track and met the other team and yells cheers back and forth at each other.
Posted by: Jazzy | May 9, 2005 10:04 AM
Glad things are slowly getting better. YAY for self-flushers and YAY for margaritas. I celebrated yesterday with a BIG-ASS glass of Pinot. Yum!
And I TOTALLY rock out when Hollaback Girl comes on, much to the dismay of my children. Hee!
Posted by: FabGirl | May 9, 2005 11:05 AM
"Shit is the tofu of curse words" is the most brilliant thing I've heard in months. Love it.
Posted by: Dr. Johnny Fever | May 9, 2005 11:13 AM
The auto flush scares the shit - hahaha, almost literally - out of Emma every time. Invariably, she's midway through her business, not bothering anyone, and it flushes on her. She's been known to jump up in mid pee. I guess she's so teeny, at 27 pounds, that it can't register her weight.
Whatever it is, it's the funniest damned thing evah some days!
Posted by: Carmen | May 9, 2005 11:47 AM
Doooooooode,
This shit is banana's :)
Posted by: Lindsey | May 9, 2005 1:48 PM
Aw, tofu. I hate those auto-flushers. They scare the bananas outa me, too. Glad you got out for the M day. You've earned it, girl. Conducting the Muzak is just too funny. Thank you for naming the post after me. I am honoured.
Posted by: Dawn (of the Living Dead) | May 9, 2005 7:30 PM
I hate those blasted autoflushers. We don't have them over here (not many anyway) so whenever I holiday in the US or Canada the bloody things get me every time. Honestly if I wanted my ass washing I'd use a bidet. I just want to know what is it that I'm doing wrong that makes the wretched thing flush while I'm still peeing, huh, what!!!!!!
Posted by: Kitty | May 10, 2005 6:38 AM
I've just laughed my way through this post..especially the self-flushing toilets part...there are very few places over here that have them and they still make me jump a mile every time they randomly go off before I'm ready!
Posted by: Claire | May 10, 2005 12:41 PM
I'm with the girl. I am terrified of the auto flushers, probably because I always meet up with them in airports, where I am already facing most of my worst fears. I'm never prepared for the whoosh. What if it whooshes a bit too soon, and I'm not quite out of the way?!
Posted by: Tammy/averagemom | May 10, 2005 1:50 PM
I stopped watching all awards shows. I'd gladly lift my ban for yours. And a banana :-)
Posted by: Chris | May 10, 2005 5:24 PM
I love David Sedaris. Somehow I missed his whole "shit" thing.
Posted by: Marcia | May 10, 2005 7:32 PM
Damn all this modern water closet technology.
As you described conducting the Muzak in the washroom, a picture from an old Simpsons episode flashed through my mind. Lisa, after drinking beer from the river at Duff Gardens, waves her hands and mumbles the lyrics to Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds, while a Beatles-esque phantasmagorical wave of color between her fingers plays across the screen.
I'll be darned if your experience didn't mimic that scene in some bizarre way.
Glad everyone's on the mend, and that you were able to get out and enjoy the day. You deserve it.
Posted by: Carmi | May 11, 2005 8:56 AM
My 2 oldest kids freak everytime they experience an auto-flush, then I have to try and explain how it works! And my youngest (2 years-old) cries every time Hollaback Girl goes off the radio in the car, saying "Bananas, bananas!" Until I hit scan, sometimes we scan for miles and miles, he will scream if I tell him I cant find it! I believe that will be my next CD purchase.
PS Enjoyed your site.
Posted by: Cristie Worley | May 11, 2005 8:03 PM
OMG! The flushing thing had me rolling...my #3 does the same exact thing...flushes and then yells, "Ahhhhhhh!"
That's some weird "sh*t," huh!?!
Posted by: Lizzie | May 12, 2005 7:31 AM
Though this may seem to be at your expense, Jenny, your spirals into madness are the most entertaining on the World Wide Web. If Courtney Love started blogging even she would have to bow to you.
I swear to God, that was a compliment! Really!
I'll go back into the Menopausal Hut now.
Posted by: GraceD | May 12, 2005 9:17 AM