Hey! We're go for giveaway...
Guess what? I'm having a little ole contest on Three Kid Circus. You want to win a Wii console PLUS the new Wii Fit balance board and game? Keep reading...
Picture this: in the wee hours of the morning, I sat nursing my fussy infant on the couch. The blue light of the television screen gave my vision a fuzzy halo. My hair was in several pigtails sticking out around my head. My t-shirt was wet with breast milk and the elastic on my sweatpants had all but given out.
There on the television was a bronzed goddess with rock hard, gleaming abs. I blearily watched the infomercial promising rippling abs in only six minutes a day. You can do anything for six minutes! A few minutes more and I was on the phone - I didn't want to miss the special add-ons that were only available for the next ten minutes!
Blame it on the early hour. Blame it on the sleep deprivation, or the two kids in two years or my ability to recite my credit card number from memory at a time when I couldn't recall where I put the car keys. I was the proud owner of a fine set of workout DVDs for three easy payments of $19.95. DVDs that have never been used.
I wish I could say that this whole infomercial moment of weakness was the only stupid fitness purchase that I've ever made. But no. No, no, no, no, no.
There was the secondhand stair-climbing machine that took up a large corner of my bedroom. I paid $100 bucks for that. I used it for less than a month before it became the favored place to hang out our permanent press laundry.
Let's not forget the weighted hula-hoop. This fine piece of torture exercise equipment has been used about 100 times in the three + years that I've owned it. I had illusions that it would make me a superstar. Let's take a look at a blog entry:
So, you people are cracking me up. Can you just see me showing up at my daughter's ice cream social - not only with my tiara on, but with MY OWN HULA HOOP? Maybe in a special case? Haaaaa! Like, back off, fools, the mastah is in da houuuuuuse. I really should bring a CD with my own entrance music and hire a spotlight.
Of course, the reality was not so pretty:
Never mind the fact that I didn't really listen to my friend who recommended a weighted hoop when she told me to go slow and expect bruising the first week. Me tough. Me padded. Me badass.
Me look like I've been worked over with baseball bat. Hoo-baby. And not just on my waist, either. All up and down my torso and on both outer knees because that's where the *#$%$@%$$!!! hoop kept whacking me when I couldn't get the momentum down.
Yeah.
Let's see... oh yes. The strippercise video from my Big Slice blogging days:
Man, I didn't even make it through the opening credits without snickering like an eight-year-old.
I mean, first of all, the guy who leads the class is Jeff Costa. He apparently taught Carmen Electra, and she has gone on to Cardio Strip Tease* her way through several DVDs. So we can all acknowledge that he is The Man with CST.
But:
I don't know what I was expecting. He was certainly fun to watch, and easy to follow, and he has a certain, campy appeal. I just...
Yeah, I laughed my head off.
And then I immediately thought to myself: If I keep this up until BlogHer, I'm going to clean the dance floor with Y's aerobic dancing hiney. But then I thought, no, she'll still win, but we'll have all sorts of damaging photo evidence from our CST vs. Aerobic Dance throwdown. Either way, it's comedy gold, waiting to happen.
I have to say, the moves were easy to pick up, fun, and when performed by the darling girls on the DVD, really sexy. On me, not so much. First of all, none of the dancers they used were particularly, um, endowed in the boobs. They shimmied, and it was cute. I shimmied, and the neighbor's fence was knocked over.
* please note - this is NOT the tape I bought but DAYUM how did I miss out on this one? Maybe I need to revisit this. And maybe not. But I can see myself getting sucked into the idea that I need to install a pole in my house, so you all might need to talk me down.
And let's not forget the Irish Dancing attempts.
Seeing that the kids weren't going to join in, I decided to tackle a few of the more basic moves. Did you know that big thighs are hard to arrange into fifth position? It's true! It is really tough!
Did you know that "novice dancer" does not equal "graceless idiot who has never done this before"? Also true!
Did that stop me? Hell no.
Summoning the spirit of my Irish ancestors, I put my hair into a ponytail and prepared to follow along with the DVD. By the end of the warm up exercises, I was near cardiac arrest. The bouncing. MY GOD THE BOUNCING.
I gamely followed along through the balancing exercises and the pointing and kicking and putting one leg behind the other stuff. At least I think I did. The reality likely included me randomly kicking off-beat and stepping on my own toes. That is talent, people.
Nor the New York City Ballet workout.
I did plies
I did releves
I did tendu after tendu
I even did fancy little combos involving swishing arms and pointing toes.
And then I got to the jumping part. Bah! Hahahaha! Oh, no no no, cherie. The dancers moved gracefully into second position, sank into a plie and shot themselves into the air, over and over. If I actually got air, it was on accident. I was deafened by the sound of my thudding feet hitting the floor, and was treated to my son's alarmed face poking around the corner.
I ended up bent over, clutching my stomach, gasping for breath, because I was laughing myself silly. I couldn't make it to the end of the jumping section, but I figure I got enough of a workout with the belly laughing.
I've still got mad love for my mini-trampoline:
That mini-trampoline I have at the foot of my bed? Oh, man. I'm having WAY too much fun on that thing. First I do little bounces. Then I go all "big air, yo!" Then I do tricks. Yes, ma'am. Tricks. I jump in a circle. I do little kicks and stuff. I make Shania Twain-like whooping noises.
Part of the fun is the fact that one of the TV channels keeps running that Bring It On movie, which instantly brings out my inner, wannabe cheerleader. I want to be one of the Clovers cheerleaders, though, not a Toro. I'm just saying.
My IQ drops with each repeated viewing, but it has the pulling power of Footloose. I'm sure by the time they stop running it, I'll be a slavering idjeet. I'll be all "Duuuuuuuuh" while I"m jumping up and down and whooping on the trampoline.
Oh, but it gets better. I've figured out how to sort of jog in place on the thing. So now I do this running-man move, and this other one where I lean forward and sort of kick my legs behind me, which allows me to dream of the day when I can, like my son, be a pain in my own butt.
I have to be careful, or I might become a work-out fanatic. I mean, can you imagine? That would be so out of character. What do you call a mini-trampoline fanatic? A mini-tramp? A tramp-o-natic?
Alas, it lives under my bed right now. Not very helpful for my overall fitness.
Another dubious fitness purchase was the stretchy tube thingies with handles that you step on and then do bicep curls and stuff? Except the handles on mine would never lock down tight and the handles would fall off and I'd snap my self in the foot really hard and it would make me really upset? Those were a really stupid purchase. I never even blogged about those.
Oh! Another contender for stupid fitness purchases is a pair of these butt-ugly shoes:
First, I wrote a blog entry mocking these ugly shoes, and then in a fit of pique over the state of my large butt, I purchased them. Oh, catalog copy, you made it seem like prancing around in these shoes would banish the dimples from my thighs. But no! I was fooled! Again! For the 900th time! Merely wearing ridiculously ugly shoes does not scare the fat offa yo ass.
I had high hopes for those shoes. And worse? I bought ones in all black. I hope you are shaking your head in dismay. And if you bought some of these shoes too? Welcome, my sisters. We were duped.
So, yeah. I've blown some serious cash on some stupid, stupid fitness trends. I think my mid-winter purchase of the infamous iGallop earns me the top spot on the winner's podium for completely lame workout purchases.
People, I bought a "horse simulator" that sort of makes a similar motion to a horse's gait. Or a good lover, if you get my meaning, and I think you do. In that respect, not the WORST possible purchase, but still, I paid like $300 for this monstrosity, and it is sitting in a closet because it is embarrassing to ride. What if one of the neighbors sees? What if the UPS guy delivers while I'm "working out" on it? What in the heck was I thinking?
I hope you're having a good laugh at my expense, because this is just the stuff I'm remembering off the top of my head. I've had plenty of other fly-by-night fitness flings, and I'm weary of the 6-Minute Miracle approach.
That said, I'm a sucker for a novel approach... and I've been eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Nintendo Wii Fit since I first heard about it as a guest on that podcast I did with Stefania - representing for the Wii Ambassador Moms.
I hosted a Wii Fit party this weekend for some local friends - and I'll be reviewing it on Three Kid Circus Auditions tomorrow but get this...Nintendo wants Three Kid Circus readers to have a crack at winning a Wii Console and Wii Fit game and balance board of your very own.
You want to win one? Here's what you need to do:
I want to hear your embarrassing fitness purchase stories. I don't expect you to outdo the iGallop. I pretty much think I am the wiiiiiiinner and grand champeen of all time with that one, but rare is the person who hasn't succumbed to the lure of the 60 second workout miracle machine.
So! Here's what I want you to do: go back to your blog and write your fitness purchase glory story. Be sure you link back to this entry, and let your readers know that you are entering to win a Nintendo Wii and Wii Fit super-combo-dealio from Three Kid Circus.
If you don't have a blog - feel free to leave your tale of shame and woe in the comments - please make sure you use a valid email address so I can contact you if you win! Feel free to tell your friends - everyone is eligible!
Either way - come back here and leave me a comment letting me know that you're in it to win it. And let me say this - you better bring it, because with the plethora of weird fitness products out there means there should be lots of competition.
I'm going to accept entries through midnight on Friday, May 16th. And then, I'm going to have a team of impartial judges read through all the entries and select their favorite entry. I'll announce the winner on Monday, May 19th.
One prize (consisting of a Wii console and the Wii Fit game and balance board) will be awarded by Nintendo. Depending on the number and quality of entries (this is no time for dignity, people) I may be awarding other prizes as well.
Come on and feel the burn. Uh!
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