And My Point Was...
On Saturday, I ate without thinking. I had breakfast as usual, but I popped a meringue cookie in my mouth while I was in the pantry for something else. I bought the package of cookies as a special treat for the kids - they've been very cranky since I've started this whole grain, veggies, lean protein business. Little Sugar Addicts reaffirmed that I need to ease them off of sugars - and besides, I figured a cookie with an otherwise healthy lunch isn't a problem. So, I had a cookie. Then I had a cup of hot chocolate, since I was making some for the kids anyway, and another cookie. The day went downhill from there, eating-wise. And my mood went south as well.
On Sunday, I was lethargic and irritable. I went back to my whole grains and lean proteins and veggies, but I felt horrible all day. Even this morning, the sugar hangover lingers.
Why do I do these things to myself? I guess I just have to test the waters and convince myself beyond a doubt that I need to make this change.
The Amazing Shrinking Mel says: "...because, seriously, no cookie is worth being fat forever." When I first read that, I'll admit that I smirked and thought "because, seriously, one cookie isn't the problem."
But you know what? If I hadn't had that one meringue cookie, I doubt the cravings for sugar would have taken over and made me into an eating machine. It was that one cookie that flipped my sweet switch, and I spent all day trying to eat something that would satisfy my craving. I never found it, and I made myself ill with all the extra food I ate.
I've been avoiding the scale since before Christmas. I suspect that I'm up a few pounds again - but I'm okay with that for the time being. I've established a breakfast habit, and I'm becoming very aware how my body responds to different foods. I know what I want to eat, and how I want to eat, and when I want to eat. The difficult part is getting past that feeling that happiness can be found in sweet foods. That a job well done needs a little treat to celebrate.
Most of all, there's the over-riding desire to be done with this struggle already. To already be done with sugary foods. To already seek comfort from healthy habits instead of cookies. And that, my friends, is why I keep failing. Because I want to believe that two weeks of trying equals success.
But two weeks of trying, crowned by two days of spectacular failure means that I'm still going to have to struggle. Then I start projecting forward. I'm going to have to try EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. And then I freak out and start heading toward the pantry.
I can't think that far ahead. I have to focus on one choice at a time. One bite at a time. And instead of throwing up my hands after this weekend's wreckage, I'm learning. I journaled my emotions, and I can reference those foods and those emotions. I can make those connections. And I can plan ahead. Stop laughing. I can, too.
I'm being called away by my children. I'll post my menu for this week when and if I can get the kids to settle the hell down.
Comments
Have you read any of www.kerflop.com? (Formerly Very Mom.) She and her family went off sugar as well and although I'm not sure if she has any of her archives up from that time period but she used to have some great recipes for "healthier" cookies and ideas for overcoming the sugar habit.
Posted by: Cam | January 15, 2007 12:55 PM
You smirked? SMIRKED? Well, okay then. ;)
It's hard, all of this, isn't it? I understand.
Posted by: Shrinkingmom | January 15, 2007 2:14 PM
You smirked? SMIRKED? Well, okay then. ;)
It's hard, all of this, isn't it? I understand.
Posted by: Shrinkingmom | January 15, 2007 2:14 PM
You smirked? SMIRKED? Well, okay then. ;)
It's hard, all of this, isn't it? I understand.
Posted by: Shrinkingmom | January 15, 2007 2:14 PM
De-lurking here. I am a member of Mel's Diet Naked team and know how you feel. I am not trying to kick sugar, but am at the point where I have lost 30 pounds (have 120 more to go) and am already having feelings like "are we done yet"? Your line about "2 weeks of trying equals success" is how I feel now, but I feel like after 6 months I should be able to stop. Not so much. We make choices every day on what we put in our mouth and sometimes I can't justify it other than "I want it". I wish you the best - and I know that writing and talking about it will help you meet your goal. This is hard work, remember that. I appreciate you sharing your challenges.
Posted by: SaraB | January 15, 2007 4:56 PM
Good luck its really tough. Just remember to journal how good you do feel on the days you do manage to eat well. I know that my diet isn't perfect yet and the scales aren't shifting as fast as I want, but I feel so much more alive than when I wasn't trying. Keep going, you're such an inspiration.
Posted by: HealthyMummy | January 16, 2007 12:10 AM
We're not laughing at you. First, we've all been there (or at least I was, ahem, am). And second, this pattern of "I have been good all day, now I deserve a treat." is part of the problem.
And you totally can make a plan and stick to it. You can.
Posted by: Susanne | January 16, 2007 4:38 AM
I'm only in my first week, but I've been reading your blog for awhile. You should know that even though you berate yourself for having a slip up, that you're still an inspiration to those of us right there with you.
I read recently (in regards to beating yourself up) that to picture yourself as an employee. If your boss talked to you in the same way you talk to yourself about your weight loss, how long do you think you'd stick with that job? Focus on the good that you do!
You're doing great! Keep it up!
Posted by: Sillychick | January 16, 2007 8:33 AM
You know it IS the one cookie that sets you down the spiral, constantly chasing the sugar high. ASk me how I know.
I find that if I just avoid it all together I really don't miss it, much.
Posted by: chris | January 16, 2007 1:07 PM
Hey Jenny,
Mel is my savior. I swear she wrote that line just for me. I was having SERIOUS issues with a HUGE tin of Danish Cookies around Christmas and her advice helped me to not eat a single one....cause one wouldn't have been a problem....the problem comes from one turning into the entire top layer of cookies. Yeah, I smirked too! LOL
Posted by: MJ | January 17, 2007 2:03 PM
Jenny, it is a giant leap forward that you can see how things like this affect not only your waistline, but you mood and general wellbeing. Perhaps, if you really feel that you need to have treats for the kids, you should get something that you personally cannot stand? Just a thought. Good luck & keep posting!
Posted by: Cindy | January 18, 2007 9:38 AM