Some Pig
The scale blinked at me this morning, sedately displaying my weight. 176. I pulled the hairband out of my hair, and tried again.
176.
I'm trying to be accepting. I'm trying to stay encouraged. I'm trying to let go of the anger and frustration. But it is right there, and it is fighting for control.
Yesterday, my husband and I decided to take the kids to the county fair. I prepared myself for the challenge mentally, by reminding myself that there are plenty of things to enjoy besides fried foods, and decided to make a game out of taking photos of the vendors instead of purchasing their wares.
So far, so good. I wrestled the kids into outfits, smeared them all with sunblock, and pulled on a yoga-style tank top and some shorts. I asked my husband to put some sunblock on my shoulders, and he said, "Don't you have a shirt that will cover that?"
I felt as though I had been slapped. He raised an eyebrow at me as I pushed past him with tears in my eyes. I went into the bedroom and changed into a long sleeved shirt and pants. When I reappeared, he didn't comment, although he looked confused. I climbed into the van for the ride to the fairgrounds, determined to let it go.
He didn't say that I looked fat.
But that's how I felt.
As we were walking towards the entrance gate, he remarked: "Why didn't you just put a teeshirt on or something?" I snarled at him, something to the effect of "I wanted to cover ALL my fat so I didn't offend anyone."
His eyes widened, and it dawned on him why I was so angry and hurt. "Oh! I didn't mean you are fat... I just thought since you had that bad sunburn this year you should wear a shirt that covers all of your back and..." I have no doubt he didn't understand my reaction. I have no doubt that he had logic behind his comment. But still.
I grimaced but I couldn't let it go. All through the day, I found myself watching other people, sweating in my long pants and long sleeves, wishing I could just enjoy myself without feeling so self-conscious. It was the first time in many years that I remember being unable to Charlotte's Web myself into believing that my size is just fine.
It's not just fine. That's why I'm here on ClubMom. I can usually divorce myself from the pain of feeling judged for my appearance, but a casual comment from a loved one can put me into a spiral of self-doubt these days.
This all goes back to the fact that I've been horrible at following diets all my life, and rather than beat myself up about failing to succeed, I am quick to embrace the "non-dieting" lifestyle. Watching my calories? Not for me! Paying attention to balancing my meals? No thanks! 
I push aside the pain, the disappointment by accepting myself on one level, while using my infamous self-deprecating streak to remind myself that I know I've failed yet again on another.
I took this photo at the fair. There was a little booth where you could see the "World's Largest Pig 1000 lbs!" for 50 cents. I snapped the shutter with the intent to post it here, with a joke about how I made some money exhibiting my fine self at the fair.
It's just not funny. I'm rather raw about the whole thing, still. I feel as though I lost some of my bullet proof armor, and I'm not able to blithely shove my weight issues to the back burner. It hurts in a surprisingly deep way.
Is this the rock bottom that I've heard about? I don't think I've ever felt so defeated.
Comments
Oh, my. I just want to give you a reassuring hug right now. Have you *feel* that you're all right - just as you are right now, and just as you want to be.
I can say - Hey, it's just a pound! - but I know a pound in the wrong direction matters. Damn. So a virtual ((hug)) is the best I can do.
And, if there were any way I could do it for you, I'd squeeze away fifteen pounds or so while I was at it!
Posted by: Laura | August 7, 2006 1:10 PM
Oh, sweetie. This post makes my heart hurt.
Jenny, you are such a smart, warm, wise, generous soul. It's okay to be frustrated about the weight thing. It's okay to be angry that you have to work at this. It's not okay to let it overshadow WHO YOU ARE, because you are SO MUCH MORE than the number on the scale.
Don't go beating up my friend Jenny, or you're gonna have to answer to ME. So there.
Posted by: Mir | August 7, 2006 1:11 PM
I'm so sorry. Feeling this way sucks. I know it's probably small consolation, but you've done an excellent job at articulating that mixture of defeat, self-loathing and defiance that I think many of us have experienced at some point when trying to lose weight. I hope that by putting that feeling into words (which is more than I've ever been able to do), you've taken the first step in feeling better?
Posted by: RAS | August 7, 2006 1:48 PM
Please don't be defeated. I'm pregnant right now, so losing weight isn't on the immediate agenda. But I've been avidly reading your blog because your great attitude and awesome sense of humor are keeping me positive about losing the weight after my babies are born.
I'm sorry you're feeling discouraged right now, but I just think if anybody can do this, you can!
Posted by: Julie | August 7, 2006 2:20 PM
I understand.
Posted by: Shrinkingmom | August 7, 2006 3:04 PM
When I met you at BlogHer, I didn't see a "fat chick." Instead, I saw a wonderful, funny, smart, cute, and extremely limber yoga goddess.
And I can totally relate having gained over 15 lbs. since last fall.
Cheer up. We're here for you!
Posted by: Anne-Marie, A Readable Feast | August 7, 2006 3:54 PM
I think this time you're gonna win! I think this time, unlike in the past, every part of you is in it to win it...or lose it as the case may be! I totally understand the reaction to hubby's comment, and all I can say is...just don't reach for the chocolate!=) (that's what I usually do when my DH is rude , knowingly or unknowingly) You are encouraging so many of us out there! I know we love you! Don't give up! (and thanks for keeping up with the honesty!)
Posted by: prov31wisemom | August 7, 2006 4:28 PM
Urg. I know how you feel. Try to hold on and know that the next sunny outlook is coming. You are moving in the right direction and as someone who is just starting to try shedding 100 lbs., I am finding inspiration in your blog. You rock, Jenny!
Posted by: Jenn2 | August 7, 2006 4:45 PM
Ouch!
You are not alone. My husband said to me Sunday morning, as we were leaving for church, "When are you going to do something about your hair?" Meaning my gray. Which I did not think was that bad. Ugh.
Posted by: Mary | August 7, 2006 7:27 PM
I love you jenny. You can do anything you want to do. I know it, and you know it. You have always been my biggest cheerleader---let me cheer for you.
xoxo
Posted by: the womom | August 7, 2006 7:27 PM
I love you. I ADORE you. And I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I wish I could take it away for you.
You are amazing, and I hope that you know that.
Posted by: Carmen | August 7, 2006 7:53 PM
HUGS!
You know, changing habits is tough. You can't expect yourself to do everything right this time. The most important thing is to take notice and then, slowly, go back into the right direction. Not to beat up yourself. And take little steps, not "And from now on I'll exercize three hours a day and never eat anything again."
Hugs.
Posted by: Susanne | August 8, 2006 3:18 AM
Oh honey. I've been there. I am there. Love you.
Posted by: HG | August 8, 2006 5:39 AM
Getting honest is really hard, but it's also a necessary step toward making better choices for yourself.
Add me to the list of fans and adore-ers.
You are fabulous, MizzJenny, and I meant what I said about that black dress at BlogHer.
Posted by: EverydaySuperGoddess | August 8, 2006 6:20 AM
That sort of thing has happened to me before. When I get in our truck I usually scoot back in the seat, this rolls or scrunches up my shirt in the back. One day we were shopping and my husband asked me why my shirt was always like that and couldn't I fix it? I turned around and told him, "because I'm fat. Thanks for pointing that out in public." He hasn't made a comment about my shirt since then.
Posted by: Rachel | August 8, 2006 7:15 PM
This post brought tears to my eyes. Sending hugs & love your way, Jenny, 'cause you deserve them. Love you, girl. XOXO
Posted by: Tara | August 9, 2006 6:19 AM
Jenny, I'm sorry. I know I've reacted much the same way in the past when Kyle asks an innocent question, like "Are you going to the gym today?" He's asking for planning purposes, but I interpret it as criticism.
In addition to being one of the most engaging people I've ever met, you're also beautiful - inside and out.
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | August 9, 2006 6:42 PM