The Produce Fights Back
Last night, I decided to cook some potatoes for dinner. The kids have recently rediscovered a love of baked potatoes, so I fired up the oven, scrubbed down a half-dozen spuds and tossed them in to bake.
While they cooked, the kids worked on homework, bickered about who was oldest/smartest/tallest/fastest/mom's favorite and made repetitive noises designed to annoy me. They were successful. And the dog is my new favorite.
An hour elapsed when it dawned on me that those smallish pototoes were probably done. I futzed around for another ten minutes or so, and finally grabbed a towel to grab the potatoes out of the oven. As I my hand reached toward the oven door, a muffled explosion sent a shockwave through the kitchen. I lurched backward, clutching my chest, unsure what just happened.
Once I collected myself, with the aid of all that helpful Lamaze breathing stuff, I yanked open the oven door. One of the potatoes had exploded into a fine particulate matter, coating the entire inside of the oven, rack and other potatoes. Resting on the oven bottom were two halves of empty potato skin, looking exactly like a cracked egg shell.
I slammed the oven door shut. My first reaction was to wonder if they were all going to self-destruct. Were superheated potatoes something akin to popcorn kernals? I had visions of bloody, seared stumps at the ends of my wrists from detonating potatoes going off in my hand. I wondered if they made a warning sound before they blew. Would I be brave enough to throw myself on a ticking Russet? Would my apron stop the blast?
More importantly, would there be anything left for dinner? Starting over sounded even more horrific than death by potato shards, so I turned off the heat, and holding a pot lid in one hand like a shield, I removed the smoking hot potatoes. They were relatively placid, stunned, I think, by the political statement of their brother.
We ate 'em up, leaving the mess to cool down enough to scoop it out. But then!
I forgot about cleaning out the oven. With my husband on his way home with a take-out bake-it-yourself pizza, I started preheating the potato-spattered oven.
Seriously? What is it about me and cooking pizza? WIthin minutes the kitchen was filling with gag-inducing smoke, the alarm was meh-eh-eh-eh-ing down the hall, and I was running around flapping with all the windows and doors open.
Remember this time? And this one? Will I ever learn?
Comments
Who would have thought that the Department of Homeland Security would need to add potatoes (how DID Quayle spell 'em?) to its list of things banned on planes. Or in kitchens, for that matter.
Did you poke holes in the skin with a fork before putting them in?
Posted by: Carmi | February 9, 2007 6:42 PM
Ahh, the kamakazi potato...the lesser known member of the vegetable suicide squad.
Posted by: surviving motherhood | February 10, 2007 4:32 AM
... and the Mommy in me cringed at the thought of having to clean up that mess. LOL.
Posted by: meritt | February 10, 2007 6:18 AM
I laughed so hard I had TEARS running down my face. I sooo needed this today.
Posted by: Cookie | February 10, 2007 6:20 AM
I so love how brave you must have looked with your oven mitts and the pot lid. A true dragon slayer!!
Hysterical!!!
Posted by: MammaLoves | February 10, 2007 8:12 AM
OMG, that was hysterical. We have our hard-wired smoke detector on the kitchen level of our house disconnected because of my kitchen mishaps. The battery powered one is not so sensitive, for some reason.
Posted by: FishyGirl | February 10, 2007 12:00 PM
You know, I read recently (somewhere?) that you don't need to poke holes in potatoes.
Your story gives that article the big F-off.
Thanks for letting me know to not follow that silly advice.
Posted by: Heather | February 10, 2007 8:25 PM
Yea, you gotta poke em first. Hilarious.
Posted by: danelle | February 11, 2007 2:20 AM
omg I was laughing so hard I was crying! Especially at the pot cover shield, that's totally something I would do.
Last thanksgiving my turkey pan was too shallow and the juices went all over the oven and made black smoke that hurt to breathe. But we persisted. Now the oven is coated in a charred black substance that is peeling off, and it still smells a little, but do I clean it? NO.
Posted by: jen | February 11, 2007 5:12 AM
Oh my GOSH...that was so funny! I always have to play it safe and poke them, then wrap them in foil because I've had too many oven mishaps. Once we were on a trip to a timeshare, and a friend decided to cook bacon in the oven (?). Later, when we heated the oven to cook pizza (yes, evil pizza) the whole place smoked up, and the alarm went off. I was afraid the sprinklers were going to turn on too! We had to hold the doors open and flap beach towels around to get rid of the smoke THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE COOKING THE PIZZAS! Then the front desk called to see why our alarm went off. Guess we earned our housekeeping fee, I"ll bet they had fun cleaning that oven.
Posted by: baseballmom | February 11, 2007 11:52 AM
I am sorry... this is SO FUNNY and I have tears in my eyes from laughing! You go girl!
jill
Posted by: JIll Asher | February 12, 2007 11:37 AM
OMG - I have done that! I mean, you're not gonna clean the oven while it's still hot (and you're still trying to get dinner to the kids), right? And then, who remembers that the oven needs to be cleaned - it's not like it's something we do all the time (because it's just so much fun). I know. I suck at housecleaning.
Posted by: Donna | February 12, 2007 11:55 AM
So funny. I was wondering if you poked holes in the spuds before baking. I guess it really is something that needs to be done.
Thanks so much for brightening my morning.
Cas
Posted by: cassie-b | February 13, 2007 7:34 AM
I haven't ever had luck with cooking potatoes - they always stay hard and never get mushy! Oh well!!!
However, shortly after moving into our home, I set the oven on fire - yes FIRE with flames and billowing smoke - when I tried to use the self-cleaning-device. My father had cooked a brisket that dripped juice all over the bottom of the oven, so I figured I would clean it before it got too gross. Note to all readers: Don't take the easy way out and use the self-cleaner; just put on gloves and use the Easy Off; Once charred by flames, brisket juice doesn't easily clean!!!! Another note: If you don't already know your neighbors, setting fire to one's oven is a great way to quickly meet them; they may even have a fire extinguisher they will give you for the future :)
Posted by: Jenn S. | February 13, 2007 8:22 AM
to read about a product that won't fight with you, check out Seventh Generation's blog The Inpsired Protagonist and read some fun stories and interesting facts.
www.inspiredprotagonist.com
Posted by: Kendra S | February 13, 2007 10:53 AM
You always have the funniest stories about your groceries! "Death by potato shards"-heh!
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 13, 2007 10:56 AM
Thank GOD it didn't explode when you were peering inside the oven with the door open! Holy reconstructive surgery!!!
Seeing as the worst case scenario was avoided, I can say that is actually pretty funny.
Posted by: Meghan | February 13, 2007 2:28 PM
Love your kitchen stories.
Quick tip: stick them in the microwave for five minutes and THEN pop them in the oven. 20 minutes later you'll have perfect taters. JUST POKE HOLES IN THEM FIRST!
Posted by: Elaine | February 13, 2007 7:50 PM
WAAAAAAAAA!
God, woman. I'm dying here. DYING.
I've been thumping my hand on the coffee table, making my laptop jump and getting the dog so worked up, he's crawling around on his stomach. Thank God I wasn't drinking, eating or operating heavy machinery after reading this hysterical post, Jenny.
DYING.
xoxox
Posted by: GraceD | February 13, 2007 8:57 PM
Isn't this exactly what the "clean" button is for on the oven?? No way would I touch this problem! My husband has an annoying habit of leaving pans, broiler pans, etc. IN the oven (in order to avoid cleaning them, I suspect). I normally don't open the oven first before turning it on....voila! fossilized food goo! Some day, I, too, will learn....
Posted by: Wendy | February 16, 2007 7:46 PM